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Lyons: 'Tis the season, Virginia, for Christmas cliches

By Tom Lyons

Published: Sunday, December 26, 2010 at 1:00 a.m.
Last Modified: Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 11:56 p.m.

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Unless something drastic is done, I warned many Decembers ago, every third holiday feature story will begin with "'tis the season ..."

But I understated the problem. It happens not just in Christmasy stories. December 'tis the season when writers relentlessly work holiday cliches into every possible news story, even crime briefs.

A copy editor here tries to help. His annual admonishment urged reporters and headline writers not to Tis anything, or Come All Ye anything, or Twas the Night Before anything.

He insisted no one be makin' a list and checkin' it twice. And Christmas was not to come early, not for anyone, even a lottery winner who scores a week before December 25.

The words "Yes, Virginia" were not to be written, and crime reporters were not to call any thief the Grinch, even if he steals Christmas trees, unless mug shot and valid ID confirm he is the infamous Dr. Seuss character.

Same for Scrooge. There is only one. He isn't your boss.

One guest columnist didn't get the memo -- literally, I'm sure -- when he wrote about emotional letdowns when things go badly this time of year. "Tis the season of great expectations," he began.

Tis indeed, and 'twas unavoidable that a few such Christmasisms would sneak down the Herald-Tribune's chimney. But I had a much jollier time proving my point when I Googled other publications.

"Tis the season for getting rid of pesky roof rats" is the Christmas-garnished news from the Associated Press in Tempe, Arizona. Those rats can chew wires in attics and make a mess, the story warns.

Maybe rat killing is a holiday tradition there?

And over and over, Christmas hasn't waited for December 25. According to the Huffington Post a few days ago, for instance, "Christmas came early for sharks."

There's a perfectly unsatisfying explanation for this claim, because the story has nothing to do with Christmas. It says "Congress took the last step yesterday to pass a ban on shark finning in the U.S."

After that grand legislative news, don't we all imagine Hammerheads donning Santa hats and kissing drunkenly under the mistletoe?

"Christmas came early for investors in Satyam Computer Services," too, says a holly-jolly Associated Press business story. When the recently fraud-troubled company announced hopes of again listing on the New York Stock Exchange, its stock went up 8.8 percent, the story explains. So that Christmas cliche, no doubt, 'twas irresistible.

And across America, a fictional character is again taking the rap for property crimes he probably didn't commit.

"The Grinch Tries to Steal a Little Boy's Christmas," claims one very typical headline, from NBCPhiladelphia.com.

The story says burglars stole his gifts. Don't headline writers respect libel laws? The Grinch turned his life around, remember?

At least we get the connection. Not so, quite often, with "Yes, Virginia," and I thank FoxNews.com for one baffling Dec. 15 headline:

"Yes, Virginia, North Korea Has Many More Uranium Facilities."

Huh?

Tis the season when reporters think criminals are cartoon characters and even financial writers imagine they are fielding questions from a little girl who once asked about Santa, but now has more worldly concerns. A CPA blogging for the Daily Dollar says: "Yes, Virginia, There Really is a 0% Capital Gains Tax Rate."

Tom Lyons can be contacted at tom.lyons@heraldtribune.com or (941) 361-4964.

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